Lessons 21A
Date: Sun, 26 Apr 1998
From: lisby@earthlink.net

XXI

"How's the headache?" Tina asked.

Scully punched wadded wool, trying to mold her coat into a more comfortable
barrier between the side of her face and passenger side window. Throbbing
in her head--between her eyes. It hurt there so often these days. "It
hasn't changed." Her voice was whispery. Weak. She pretended to clear her
throat and forced a normal tone. "I think those aspirin were placebos.
Probably part of a plot to sell stockpiled crap to people who don't know
any better."

"Sounds like the Spookster talking." Tina's alto was deep against the
shrill falsetto on the radio. "I can't believe you paid
two-friggin'-thirty-five for two of those things."

"Four. There were four in the pack." Scully laid her head against her
ball-of-coat. A big cloth-covered button jammed into her cheek bone.

Tina muttered, "You still got ripped."

"Well, Miss Thrifty, Seven-Eleven had me by the purse strings, didn't it?"
she snapped back.

"You're a doctor, for chrissake. You should carry aspirin."

Scully lifted her head again. Poked the button into the heart of the lump.
"You know, if you'd turn down the damned radio, I'd probably feel better.
That guy's voice is going to give me a grand mal."

She watched Tina fiddle with the heat vent, reach out to up the blower
speed a notch. "You want to live to see Norfolk? Then the music stays on.
What do you think runs in my bloodstream--NoDoz? And 'that guy' is Geddy
Lee--an honorary Sioux god, I'll have you know. You, little missy, should
have more respect."

Scully groaned. Wondered if any squishy ear protectors were in the bottom
of her purse. "Who is this holy man, anyway?"

"Rush."

"Hmmm?"

"The singer for Rush."

"Well, I've never heard of Rush performing any miracles, Jeff."

Scully frowned at Tina's smirk. The angles of her face looked ghoulish in
the sick green glow of the dashboard's instruments. "If he made the dead
rise before your eyes, you still wouldn't believe."

"Whatever." She swatted at the volume knob.

A coal-black glance from Hill. For just a minute Scully wanted to laugh.
Would have laughed in 1990. Instead, she groused, "Come on, Tina. My ears
are bleeding,"

"Tough."

"Thanks a lot." Scully settled back again against her scratchy faux-pillow.
Goaded, "Are you sure you're not worshipping a false god, Jeff? Mulder says
the only man he'd ever kneel before is Johnny Lydon."

Another dark look. "That brat from the Sex Pistols?"

"Yeah, well, Mulder got his Ph.D. at Oxford." She stretched out her legs,
poking the toes of her pumps into the niche beneath the dash where the heat
came out. "I'm not sure he liked the Sex Pistols. All I ever hear him play
is Public Image Limited....Anyway, Mulder was happy at Oxford--at least to
hear him tell it." Mulder happy. What a concept. "Sometimes I think he
should have stayed in England, set up his own practice."

"Yeah, and maybe taken up U2 or somebody with talent."

"Ummmm." Scully stared out ahead. The headlights cut swaths into the gloom
and all that remained of the day was a subtle pink glow in the western sky.
Melancholy threatened to flow out with the ribbon of road.

She was glad when Tina spoke up. "You know, I fucking hate Standard Time.
Dark at five frickin' thirty. It's ridiculous. Who the hell cares if it's
still dark at five A.M.? I mean, it should be dark then, but not now. And
God damn it, I wish I'd had more than a banana Slurpee and Ding Dongs for
dinner. My blood sugar is spiking or some shit."

"I warned you." Scully shifted her hips. Reshuffled her feet. "You never learn."

"Yeah, well, I noticed your five course Maalox banquet. Now that was a
healthy meal." Tina flicked on the left blinker, slipped the car over a
lane, and gunned it past some archaic Buick going twenty under the limit.
The Escort bobbed on a pothole, then achieved a sort of galloping rhythm as
it crossed the seams of road pavement. "It's going to be one long-ass
night. What time should we get to Norfolk?"

"Eight-thirtyish." Scully glanced at the dashboard clock's analog digits.
5:45 and miles to go before they'd sleep.

Tina giggled. "Hey, Mutt, let's save some time for ourselves once we get to
this place--just shout 'ATF' and No Knock the entry."

"Tina, the director says we should respect our fellow law enforcement
agents," she chided. Monotone.

"Oh, I respect the ATF. Bash-'n-shoot's a great policy." Tina was flicking
the heater up again. "Goddamn, this bureaumobile sucks, Mutt. The heater is
kicked up all the way and it's still cold as shit. You know, it shouldn't
be this cold in December. I heard the 'Farmer's Almanac' says it's going to
be a bitch of a winter."

"Great," Scully sighed. Rubbed at the ember in her sternum through heavy
clothes. The burn warmed her words. "I hate winter. I used to love it, with
Christmas and all....Now, the cold comes and I just wait for trouble. I've
been so many cold places, Jeff. It's like the cold and Mulder....I don't
know. But I miss the spring."

"You know, It's okay to worry about him, Dana. He's not some missing person
you never clapped eyes on before. Besides, water-cooler wisdom says this is
'the man you love.'"

Scully turned to watch the dark blur of forest. Now her cheeks burned, too.
"Glad to know all you fiction writers are employed at the rumor mill. I
hate to think of you engaged in any real work."

Tina sounded nonchalant. "So, this is a story by Clive Barker, not Barbara
Cartland. Don't ghosts return to haunt the ones they care for?" Scully's
lips went thin. Felt the subtle push back into her seat as Tina put her
foot down to pass an eighteen-wheeler with cut-out big-breasted girls on
its mud-flaps.

"I'm going to rest a little," Scully finally said. Finally looked back at
her friend's hawk-nosed profile.

Hill shrugged. "Knock yourself out, girlfriend."

"Okay. I'll take over driving at Williamsburg."

Another shrug. "Whatever."

Music. Heart and Van Halen and Genesis and the Stones. Then, slowly, the
Fredericksburg oldies station washed with static until Garth Brooks' twang
usurped Jagger's yowl. Cat-gut guitar and "All my EXes live in Texas."
Tammy Wynette standing by her man. Scully's head and heart shuddered and
the fearsnake, coiled where her intestines used to be, rattled 'Mulder.'

The car galloped on, galloped and galloped.

"Turn off the radio, Tina." Scully nearly moaned.

Hill glanced over at her. Looked back at the road. "Okay, but you gotta
talk to me then, Bunny, or this becomes a one-way ride to the Other Side."

Scully sighed heavy. Imagined some dismal fog escaping her lips. "I don't
want to talk about Mulder."

Hill's big hand reached to turn the knob until it clicked, extinguishing
the radio's lights. "What a drama queen you've become, Dana. Sheesh."

"Damn it, Jeff." She rolled her head away, locked her eyes on some speck in
the dark infinity. "My partner may be dead. He may be hurt. That's all I
care about. How can I sit here and gossip with you? It isn't what matters."

"I'm not asking you to gossip."

"The hell you're not." Bullshit. Bullshit. The ember flared. The snake
rattled. And somewhere in the Arctic, a monitor went flatline.

"No, I am not. I just need some help staying awa--"

"Tina Hill, you are so fucking full of shit!" Scully's fists balled with
the pyroclastic surge.

Hill's right hand left the wheel again, grabbed at her friend's clenched
fist, "Hey! Hey, calm down. Calm down, Bunny-bunny. We don't have to talk
about anything...."

"No, let's get it over with. You won't let it rest. I know you. Go on--fire
away." Hill said nothing, just squeezed. After a moment, she let go, moved
her hand back to the wheel. Scully stared hard at the tail lights of the
car ahead. "Will you just go on and ask, Jeff."

"I'm not interested."

"Sure."

"No. Really. I'm not interested in this person who has made you so
secretive and cynical. I'm not interested in the abusive relationship you
two have. I don't give a shit about Spooky Fox Mulder. Let's just find the
bastard so you can get back to whatever Heathcliff and Cathy thing you have
going and we can 'Hey' each other by the coffee machine every now and then,
just like old times."

Her voice was deadpan with rage. "I thought I already told you it wasn't
abuse. What's the matter, Jeff? English a second language?"

"Fuck you, Bunny-bunny." Tina cut sharp into the right lane, accelerated to
pass the car on the left. "'Mulder's not abusive. He's really funny and
cute in private.' So was fucking Ted Bundy....So, now you're telling me
he's Mr. Nice Guy? He doesn't use you?"

Scully's laugh was short and harsh, "You think that?"

Hill swerved the car back into the fast lane. "Yeah."

"So you figure Mulder's abusing me? Well, if you've got it all sorted out,
then why are you asking? If you already know it all, Jeff, then why do I
have to tell you anything about Mulder and me?"

"I know Spooky walks all over you in public." Scully heard her heart boom
louder than Tina's reply. Felt the pulse behind her eyes and in her
forehead. Boomboom and Tina kept talking. "I know you take it like a
doormat, too. So, what does Special Agent Fox Mulder give his Girl Friday
in return?"

"Jeff, stop right there. Please. You just don't know what you're talking
about." She sat forward, dug the heels of her palms into her eyes. "Jesus,
Tina, I don't know what pop-psych book you've gleaned all this deep
understanding of human nature from, but it's a much better text than the
ones I used at medical school." Pulled her hands down over her face and
glared up sideways at Hill.

Hill smiled wicked in the dim green light. "I may not have your
high-falutin' credentials, Dr. Scully, but I know a load of shit when I see
it. C'mon, work it through for me, Doc. What is it? Does he screw you
better than you've ever been screwed? Does he read you love sonnets on
bended knee? Is he your Soul Mate? Or does he just stop and fucking notice
you every now and then?"

Scully's mouth dropped open. She closed it slowly and shook her head once
against the roar rising in her ears. "Damn you, Tina, Fox Mulder doesn't
use me. How many times to I have to tell you. Mulder is not abusive. He
doesn't abuse me! " She shouted at the big woman--really shouted. And it
felt good to let it go. "NO abuse. Get it, Pocahontas? End of story."

"Then what the fuck DOES Mulder do?" Tina snapped, shot over an iceberg glance.

"What does Mulder do?" Scully's throat strained to make the loud, hard
words. "I'll tell you--Mulder needs me! What's he like? He respects me."

"Good answer." Hill's chuckle was ugly. "Should we see how many of the
families polled believe you?"

"You're not going to accept anything I say. Why should I bother?"

"Just tell me why the fuck you stay with him."

"I don't owe you that information." Scully straightened up. Sat back in her
seat.

Tina didn't look at her--just watched the road. "The hell if you don't owe
me. You blew me off for this jerk. And didn't I need you? Didn't I respect
you?" The engine growled, then lurched into high gear.

Scully's fingers wrapped around her shoulder belt, around the mysterious
grip above the door that her brothers had called a 'Jesus Christ handle.'
"Jeff, slow down!"

"Fuck slowing down. And fuck you. You wanted a king-sized cock, too, right?
Is that where I came up lacking? Or were you just traumatized by my
revelation? You know, I didn't even make a pass at you, Dana. All I did was
tell you that I was bi and I adored you." The hurt in Hill's
voice....Scully hadn't--couldn't have put it there.

"I know," she mumbled. What else could she say?

"You know?" Hill scoffed. "That's it?"

"I'm sorry, too. But I can't change the past. Now, for shit's sake, please
slow down."

"No." Hill's chin dropped a little as she focused out ahead. "I'm an FBI
agent on an urgent case and you're not sorry and I won't shut up. You
listen to me. You cut me off like some kind of leper, Dana. Do you think
'sorry' means jack to me right now? I'd feel a lot more inclined to hump it
to find Agent Asshole if you could be big enough just to come out and say
you're using me."

Scully's eyes were open wide. "I am not using you, Tina."

"Then what is this all about? Mulder vanishes and suddenly I'm in demand.
Hell, you could have asked anyone--Gonzaga, Morgan--any of the others--"
She let go of the wheel with one hand, gestured to an imaginary bull pen.

"I am not using you!" Scully shouted again.

"Then what do you want from me? Do you still give a shit? God damn you,
have you even missed me?" Tina slammed her fist against the steering wheel,
sounding the horn.

Scully jumped. Nearly screamed. Oh, shit, this was going too far. Tina was
going to drive them straight into the median wall. "Jeff, listen to me.
Slow down and calm down. I HAVE seen you--and we haven't been not
speaking."

"I can't believe you just said that."

"Well, it's true," she insisted. "I didn't cut you off cold."

Her eyes narrowed as Hill faked a pert smile. "'Hi, Tina. Dig your dress.
Gotta go. Mulder's coffee's getting cold...' and all I see is your cute
little butt trotting off down the hall to serve your master."

The indignation scalded. "That's enough!" She barked--her father's command;
her father's inflection. Reflex as red burned her skin.

"Oh, I'm just getting warming up, Dana."

"You--you don't have a clue what was going on when I was sent to work with
Mulder!"

"So tell me!" Hill scowled. "Was it love at first sight? Did the planet tilt?"

"They sent me to spy on him, you stupid fuck." Scully didn't give a shit if
they crashed anymore. Bring it on. She let go of the safetybelt lifeline
and the Jesus Christ handle and crossed her arms on her chest. "I was
supposed to debunk his work. But I wouldn't do it."

"Yeah? Who sent you?" Hill demanded. Didn't believe. And why should she?

That question sobered Scully. "Tina, you don't know what kind of games are
being played out there. And I don't want you to know, either."

"Why don't you let me make that decision for myself, or do we have a V-chip
in the steering column?"

Scully's shoulders pulled in, mimicking her frown. "Too bad. I won't tell
you. You can ask all you want. You will anyway. But I won't tell you."

"Great. Now I'm going to have to beat you with a wet noodle! What the fuck
am I doing here with you?" Hill squirmed like she wanted to run. "It's
pretty clear you haven't learned squat. You sublimate and sublimate. One
day you're going to run out of things to divert your attention and then
you're going to have to work on yourself, Dana."

"Whatever, Tina."

"You know, you really piss me off."

Scully looked down at her lap. Said through clenched teeth. "I'm sorry."

"If you say that again I'll choke the life out of you. You don't mean it.
You want me here because if Mulder doesn't come back you're hedging your
bets. Well, I don't like being the consolation prize."

Scully's head shot up. No, that wasn't fair--that wasn't it. Her eyes tried
to grab Tina's. "Look, I need you, Jeff, because your mind is more open to
extreme possibilities. So if that's using, then, yes, I guess I am using
you."

"Okay, I can accept that," Hill conceded curtly. "I never said you were
stupid, just fooling yourself. In fact, I like that better than if you
wanted to line up another squeeze, just in case."

"God damn it, Tina!" A new spike of rage made her snarl. "If you say that
again I'll smack you. Don't you talk about him being dead. Don't you talk
about him like I could just close his file and open up another."

"Makes you angry, huh? Good."

"Fuck you, Tina Hill. Just fuck you. Yes, I am using you. I am! Because I
want him here!" God, was that really her raw, angry voice? And was that
Tina roaring back?

"Why--so he can push you around some more?"

"You know, Tom's not even warm in his grave yet. As a matter of fact, I
don't even think he knows he's deceased."

"That's it!" Hill yanked the wheel, sending the car onto the left shoulder
of the road. Tires squealed with the brakes and Scully flew forward--was
caught by her safetybelt--then snapped back against the seat. Tina was
growling right in her face, "You listen good: I love Tom. He's my friend.
You say one fucking nasty thing about Tom and me and I'm going to ventilate
you, Dana Katherine Scully!"

"Well, God damn you, Christina Hill!" Scully yelled back, pressing her
hands to her temples. "I love Mulder and he's my friend, too, and I don't
know why, but I do, and I love you, too, you stupid bitch. Now just shut
up, shut up, shut up!"

Then they stared at each other in silence. Tina's eyes glistened in the
glow of an Interstate high-pressure sodium lamp. Two tears trickled down
her flat cheeks. Scully wanted to cry, too. Wanted. Couldn't. Tina wept
silently then muttered, "Get me a fucking Kleenex, will you? I'm going to
look like a damned raccoon."

Scully's fingers felt numb as she hunted in her purse for a travel pack of
tissues. "Looks more like war paint." She looked hopefully toward her
friend, proffered a Kleenex. "I'm sorry, Tina."

Hill put on a grimacing smile, dabbed at her eyes. "Hey, it's no big deal."

"Jeff--" She laid her palm on Hill's thigh. Felt the muscle tense beneath
her hand.

Tina tried to brush her off again. "Forget it. It's okay. I'm sorry, too."

But she persevered. "You think I'm going to ditch you when this is over?"

Hill tossed her dark hair off her shoulders with a convulsive twitch. "Yes.
And you will ditch me, won't you?"

"No. Not again. I'm not promising to elope with you, Tina. I'm saying we're
going to be friends again--we'll try to get back to where we were before I
got assigned to the X-Files."

Tina frowned at the highway, glowing yellow under the man-made
illumination. "And you really think there's enough room in your life for
Fox Mulder and me?"

Scully dropped her eyes, shook her head. "Well, I think it will be a tight
fit, but if both of you deflate yourselves slightly, we'll manage it."

Hill reached out and caught her hand. "Thanks for letting me yell. Thanks
for letting me finally get it out of me after all these years."

"Karma adjustment. That's what Mulder calls it." Scully shrugged, hooked
her hair behind her ear. Hated feeling Tina tremble.

A watery sniff. "That's what I call it, too."

Scully managed small smile as she squeezed Tina's fingers. "You two aren't
as different as you think, Jeffie."

--lisby@earthlink.net
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"Why did the robot cross the road....? Because it was carbon-bonded to the
chicken! HA HA HA HA!"
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